Leah measured my body fat today. I have often looked in the mirror and said to myself, "you're fat." Now I know exactly how much.
How do I feel knowing I am 1/3rd fat? How do I feel knowing I have 90 pounds to lose in order to reach my optimal body weight? Overwhelmed a little. I don't feel depressed about it which is weird. I think having Leah and Carbon changes things. I don't feel like I have to figure all of this out on my own.

The body fat measure thing kind of hurt. My brothers used to tease and pinch me when we were kids and that was bad enough. This was adult pinching with a fancy plastic measuring tool! Even though Leah was as gentle and sweet (of course), I still howled the entire time. Never before has my fat been made tangible like this. Thirty-Four percent!!

My fat. How many women are out there like me who speak of their body weight as if they have a conjoined twin?

"I am the fit and healthy one. My conjoined twin is Fat and annoying. I hate Fat."

Learning to embrace my body and its size has always been a battle. Like most uncomfortable feelings it's easier to compartmentalize and pretend my body is separate.

I eat unconsciously. I exercise unconsciously. I put myself down unconsciously. I act as if I have no control over my body.

It's scary to face the reality that body is part of self. My body matters.