Saturdays session hurt like the Dickens. It hurts to walk around. When I walked into my session I said to my trainer, "Leah, Kill me!" What an idiot I am. I was in the mood for a tough workout. Who would have thought Leah would give it a shot! No, I wasn't even close to cardiac arrest but I did delay using the toilet because it hurt so much to squat.
I think Leah likes it when I grunt, scream, roll my eyes to the back of my head, pout, give her my angry face or otherwise show my discomfort during session. I think it makes her giddy actually, to hurt me with leg and bicep numbing exercises. I think she should have worked in a dungeon whipping poor toothless bread thieves into shape.
Leah has something against my flab. I think she is preoccupied with muscle. I, for one, appreciate the warmth my layers of flesh give me. Leah is cold in the winter. I am warm. I get to shop at Lane Bryant and buy fantastic sparkly spandex jeans with tummy flattening panels. Leah can wear anything including shorts! Overrated!
I think Leah is preoccupied with my being fit. And omit the beautiful silhouette of cellulite from my visual diet? I personally love to wonder if a chair will collapse beneath me.

Worked harder than I ever have in my life at Carbon today. I can't feel my legs. Leah says I have poor circulation and the numbing sensation will decrease over time. But, I can't feel my legs. It makes me so happy.

My weight hasn't changed. I doubt my body fat has decreased since last week. It doesn't matter. I feel better already. I'm moving again. I'm feeling muscles I haven't felt in a long time. I feel athletic and I haven't lost a pound.

Leah measured my body fat today. I have often looked in the mirror and said to myself, "you're fat." Now I know exactly how much.
How do I feel knowing I am 1/3rd fat? How do I feel knowing I have 90 pounds to lose in order to reach my optimal body weight? Overwhelmed a little. I don't feel depressed about it which is weird. I think having Leah and Carbon changes things. I don't feel like I have to figure all of this out on my own.

The body fat measure thing kind of hurt. My brothers used to tease and pinch me when we were kids and that was bad enough. This was adult pinching with a fancy plastic measuring tool! Even though Leah was as gentle and sweet (of course), I still howled the entire time. Never before has my fat been made tangible like this. Thirty-Four percent!!

My fat. How many women are out there like me who speak of their body weight as if they have a conjoined twin?

"I am the fit and healthy one. My conjoined twin is Fat and annoying. I hate Fat."

Learning to embrace my body and its size has always been a battle. Like most uncomfortable feelings it's easier to compartmentalize and pretend my body is separate.

I eat unconsciously. I exercise unconsciously. I put myself down unconsciously. I act as if I have no control over my body.

It's scary to face the reality that body is part of self. My body matters.

Strange Contraption

I have wondered how this whole stretching thing Leah is insisting on is REALLY going to affect me. I've stretched before! I can bend over and try to touch the ground all on my own without an individual session at Carbon! I've done yoga and even have some of my old moves still handy. But, today really brought it together for me. I may be beginning to understand that exercise is about baby steps, taking care of myself, and not hurting. Stretching is a big part of preparing the body for muscle work. When we jump into exercise without preparing our bodies, we are hurting ourselves and defeating the purpose of the goal which is to feel better! Right?

Before we began the exercises, Leah helped me to stretch which always feels amazing. She noticed that my right leg is tighter than the other so she worked on it a little more.

After that, Leah put me on this strange contraption called the Reformer. It is basically a large padded massage table with various attachments and springs that attach to bands that go on hands or feet. Leah got my feet into the bands and attached the springs and we did some leg exercises. Halfway through, my thighs really started cramping. Leah stopped me and told me to relieve the cramping by opening up my legs to rest. Because my feet were attached to springs, the bands and springs actually assisted the stretch.

I learned something while doing this stretch. Leah says I'm very flexible. I didn't know that. All I have ever felt in the past several years is tight. Tight calves. Tight hamstrings. Tight lower back and rear. Today, I walked out of Carbon today feeling like my lower back and hips were on clouds!

The exercises weren't that hard today but I can tell it's going to get more and more intense as we go which I'm excited about. Leah says she is taking it easy on me for now because I'm in Rehabilitation Phase. She says I need to baby myself. I have to say it's been a bit annoying. It's hard for me to just take it easy. I haven't been gentle on myself when it comes to exercise EVER. I have always jumped in head first following long slumps of couch potato. For example, every couple of months I may get inspired and I may run as hard as I can for as long as I can or play intense tennis for two hours. Of course, I can hardly walk the next day. But that's what you have to do to lose weight? No wonder I failed.

First Session

OK. Guys. This Carbon thing is not what I expected. I show up at 11:05 am, five minutes late for my individual session. I'm racing because, of course, I don't want my trainer to think I'm not excited to have my a** handed to me. But, it was ok. Leah was waiting and her first question was, "What's the matter? Are you anxious?"

"I was racing here." I said.

"You just relax. It's me you're working with."

So, I get changed and head back out where Leah directs me to what I think is one of the workout rooms. It's not. It's a room with what looks like a giant massage table. I am confused and more terrified than I should be. I could cry I'm so anxious.

You have to understand that I haven't been doing much of anything physical for a good ten years now. I used to run in my early twenties. I did take a few Pilates classes at the YWCA in North Carolina. But, since I moved back to Oklahoma in 2000, I've gained 100 pounds. My reaction to this weight gain ranges from Ignorning It (which I am very good at) to being Angry At Myself. The problem with these two ways of dealing with my body is that when I have done physical things like work in the yard or take the dog for a walk, I tend to ignore the initial pain in my body and when I do feel the pain I get angry and push through it or give up.

Leah says, "Get up here on the table. All you're going to have to do today is relax. We're going to do some stretching."

"I thought we were going to excercise today. " I said.

"You think you're ready to just jump in, huh?" she says, laughing. "Give me your leg. Relax your leg. Give it to me. Relaxxxxxxx. Breathe." So, she takes my left leg in the air and presses her hip against my right leg that's still on the table and it is the most amazing stretched feeling. You know how when you feel tense and you stretch but you don't ever feel stretched enough? It doesn't get to the sweet spot? This did it.

Leah worked on stretching me for the entire session! I can't tell you what she did but I can say I felt more noodley (and a little guilty for just lying there on my back or on my stomach the entire time) and more relaxed than I have felt in years. I left so relaxed in my body that after I left I noticed I felt well........peaceful. Who knew?

Orientation

I attended my Orientation session today at Carbon in Tulsa, Oklahoma! Carbon is a Pilates studio but the orientation session I attended with one of the owners, Leah, was anything but a lecture on the benefits of my CORE, stomach crunches, or holding my legs in the air until I collapse. Instead, Leah asked me about what hurts and what I wanted to accomplish at Carbon. "Well," I said, "My back hurts all the time and my heels are sometimes so painful I can barely walk." Physical activities like mowing the yard and walking around say, the Farmer's Market for an hour, can have me hobbling around like I'm wearing fifty pound shoes. It's painful!
Leah examined my leg muscles (glad I shaved my legs) and pressed on my calf muscle and the side of my heel and I screamed. Leah said, "That's why your heel hurts, honey. We'll work on that." What I also found out is I hold my tension in my lower back. The muscles that reach out from the center of my back are so tense and tight, and at times so inflamed, I have found myself paralyzed in bed or unable to stand up straight. Sometimes I have to consciously relax my rear because I realize I've been holding myself tight for the entire day. I'm full of knots and my hamstrings and calves are so tight it's no wonder I get cramps. Leah said, "You're so tense you could work out all day here and not feel any better! This is about feeling better, having less pain."

Having less pain sounds like a good goal to me. Also, I'd like to look like Leah but for starters, I'll work on not being such a tense wreck.

And I thought this was just going to be about me sweating and swearing!


Sassy workout outfit: check
I'm ready for my first individual appointment!